Forgive Collage

(Photo Courtesy: Black Love & Marriage)

 

Recently, a reader reached out to me and asked for advice on how to forgive an ex. I’m not sure if I gave her the answer she wanted, but perhaps my words provided the answer she needed. She thought she forgave the person, but after reading on of my articles on disappointment and distrust, something surfaced. Anger and bitterness lied beneath a fake forgiveness. I shared with her 5 steps I take before I forgive.

 

1. Realize Forgiveness isn’t a Synonym for Friendship
Just because you forgive someone doesn’t mean you should befriend the person. Make sure you rebuild trust and re-establish boundaries before you reopen your heart and your life to the one who hurt you.

 

2. Talk to Someone You Respect
Seek out advice from a friend or family member. Venting leads to healing. If your anger is consuming however, contact a (qualified)counselor. You’re not crazy if you go to therapy. You’re smart.

 

3. Reflect on What Went Wrong
Although a heartbreaker, home wrecker or backstabber may be to blame, reflect on what went wrong leading up to the offense. Could the situation have been avoided? Did you seek revenge? What could you have done differently? Can you prevent something similar from reoccurring?

 

4. Don’t Expect Forgiveness in Return
You may not think you’re at fault, but you ex may have a long list of reasons why he/she hates you. Hate may be a bit strong. Perhaps they dislike you, resent you or would rather you moved to a different city — in a different time zine. Don’t hold you breath waiting for an apology.

 

5. Forgive Yourself
You may need time. You may need repentance. You may need to learn from your mistakes. But remember to forgive yourself. If God can forgive you, so can you!

 

Hey DFTM Fam — What actions do you take before you forgive someone?

About The Author

Vlog Mom/DFTM Creator

Not long ago, Heather Hopson hosted a television show in the Cayman Islands. Today, she's back home writing a different kind of story as a new mom. In her 15 years working as a professional journalist, this by far is her best assignment! Growing up, she dreamed of becoming Oprah Winfrey. She was the features editor for her school’s newspaper and a teen talk show host for her city’s most popular radio station. She went on to earn a bachelor’s degree in Journalism from Michigan State University. After graduation, she worked as a television producer and reporter at CBS, NBC and Fox affiliates throughout the U.S. Instead of heading to Chicago to join Ms. Winfrey on her set, she bought a plane ticket to the Cayman Islands instead. She arrived five days before a category five hurricane! She lived in paradise for seven years, hosted an award-winning television show and traveled the globe with a government delegation. She also served on the board of directors for Big Brothers Big Sisters and spearheaded a Send a Kid to Camp campaign. Then, she relocated to Washington, D.C. to obtain a teaching certification and instruct 8th grade reading at a high needs middle school. She later returned to her hometown of Pittsburgh, PA to raise her daughter Caitlynn, now 4-years-old. During her 10-month-stint as a stay-at-home mom, Caitlynn inspired her to create this blog, and Diary of a First Time Mom was born on Mother’s Day 2012. Two years later, she expanded the family to include 20+ writers. Currently, Heather serves as the communications director at Allies for Children. In addition, she is the owner of Motor Mouth Multimedia, which ranked #49 in Startup Nation’s Home-Based 100 Competition sponsored by Discover Card and Sam’s Club. Recently, The Pittsburgh Foundation and The Heinz Endowments selected Heather to receive an Emerging Black Artist award to develop Diary of a First Time Mom.

4 Responses

  1. Janeane Davis

    Before I forgive someone I always remind myself that just because a person gets forgiven does not mean that person gets restored to the position she had in my life before the incident that made forgiveness necessary.

    Reply
    • newmom0608

      That’s smart Janeane, b/c if you didn’t, you may very well be setting yourself up for another disappointment.

      Reply
  2. Myesha

    Thank you again for this article, #4 in particular about not expecting an apology is one I recently realized I had to completely let go. Keep sharing, inspiring, and encouraging other single first time moms.

    Reply

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